30 LL: A Lebanese Podcast for Hommos-Sapiens

Vimto: an anagram of what?

I recently saw the beautiful can of sparkling, tasty beverage pictured below, at a local oriental shop next to my place.

I loved the design right away, and the name, because I am a fan of retro ads and Vimto sounds like 50s detergent. 50s detergent? mmmm…Let’s have a sip! (Plus it says فيمتو on the can. What can I say, you had me at فيمتو, Sparkling Soda Can).

So I bought two (2) cans (and some Halloum like I always do), and went back home, eager to refresh myself with my new favourite drink.

Well it turns out this stuff tastes like crap. Filthy, disgusting, nausea-inducing crap. Like a mix of Dr. Pepper and monkey sweat.

All this to say, don’t ever buy Vimto, except if you have a clogged sink or want to play a cruel joke on a loved one.

oh and don’t forget to listen to our podcast.

Vimto is it?

And you even went through the trouble of finding Arabic font to write it down, that’s effort, but for a worthy cause.

I just have two words Souss:

And since I know the Arabic font helps in the effect department, here goes:

بف باف

Kif heik ya shabeb website w podcast wel ossa kella, bass ma fi kharita la lebnen. Habib lebnen habib (get it, 7abeb) yse3edkon.
Voila ya habibete:

khartet Lebnen

w khartet bayrout, emme w emmak w emmo, emmna kellna bayrout

hal podcast mesh 3atel bass ktir ndif ye3ne. Ken hebib esma3leh chi jalta, chi ra3sheh, chi kelmeh 7elweh lal chabeb….w eyr ye3neh…7aset 7alleh 3am betsama3 3a marcel ghanem 3al LBC. Ken ba3d na’es ytalfen Charles Rizk ta yestanker.

Jarbo kouno chwey natural ye3neh…mesh 3ayb wa7ad ykoun lebneneh w yesta3mel kalimet men 3ena metel neykin emoun bedel fuck them…chou ne7na b amerka?

La2..b canada…

Vimto, believe it or not, is the number one selling beverage in the GCC (khaleej) during the holy month of ramadan. The sales amde during that period are encompass the sales made throughout the year.

I’m not sure if you noticed, but I think it’s a british drink, and the can u bought was most probably made in Saudi Arabia, the brand’s largest consumer.

Here’s some information about my home country. I had to leave it for personal reasons, but I felt right at home in Lebanon.
I am now offering you my 30 LL (bya3mlo 5,648,769 AK Dollars) about my country, Akeljarastan.

- Habitants of Akeljarastan are called Akkiljara (singular) and Eklinjara (plural). Incidentally, Akeljarastani is known to have one of the most complicated grammars. Ask any linguist.

- Mikhaïl Kalachnikov, the inventor of the famed AK-47, was part from Akeljarastan (from his mother’s side). The letters AK were a tribute to his second country.

- The official language is Akeljarastani. It is interesting to note that most of it is actually silence. This particularity has its roots in an ancient tradition (”skútwlê”).

- The national dish is…Pistachio ice cream. (what were you thinking?).

- The national sport is Akeljara. Eklinjara spend on average 10-16 hours a day practicing Akeljara. A young Akkiljara learns Akeljara as soon he or she can talk.

- Touristic sites in Kolkharastan include:
The jara temple. (Jara, the ancient God who helped the Eklinjara spread their power)
The Jara river. Legend has it God Khara was murdered by the flush legions and thrown into the river. To this day, the khara river is an immense source of inspiration to everyone in Kolkharastan.
_______________________________

7kouna hon tanshouf ya 7abeyeb.
yalla 3a Habib’s crib, 2ariban ra7 jib souwar 3an Akeljarastan w 7otton bel crib 3ende.

Thai Express, or “Me Feed You Long Time”

Thai express is a relatively new fast food chain. It hasn’t been around for that long, but has taken the Montreal scene by storm. Not far from where I work, in one of Montreal’s many underground food courts, there exists (thank you Buddha) one branch of Thai Express that I visit oh so often. It is important to note that this fine dining venue is by far the most popular one in the food court, and all other food courts where I’ve seen it. The place looks like Sanioura’s window view, for God’s sake. So unless you want to wait in line 25+ minutes, you have to go before 11:30AM or after 1:30PM. Anywhere in between will feel like you’re doing a mou3emaleh at the Baabda Serail. Pure torture.

So I go to this place so often that the people who work there have come to know me (among the flocs of daily customers) and my favourite order.

“Chicken pad-thai, no spice, to go, sir?”
I wink and do “the gun” with my thumb and index (I should stop that).

Sweet stir-fried noodles with chicken, tofu, green onions, chopsuey, egg whites and crushed roasted peanuts (optional). I get extra everything. They know how to keep good customers hooked. In just a few months, I’ve contributed to their revenues around the price of a Daewoo Tico. “The content is hot, delicious and may cause dependence”, says the box. Every potential legal liability is waived in that sentence. You know a good business model when you see it. Like Ali would say, I have become a djejeterian. But not any djejeterian, a pad-thai djej djejeterian, the worst kind. Wlak djeeeeeeeeeeej.

This situation is quickly spinning out of control. Random asian people say hi to me on the streets. My family get me bags of rice for my birthday. The other day I received by mail a $50 gift certificate for spending at “Prathum’s Thai Megamart”.

My coworkers know of my addiction: “You got those marvelous, fabulous noodles again, huh”.
I wink and do “the gun” with my thumb and index (I should stop that).

Some snort cocaine. I snort noodles. I’m going into rehab soon Mom, I promise.

This text may have contained generalizations/stereotypes. For the record, it’s all Joe’s fault, he’s the podcast Editor-in-Chief, so please address all hate mail to him.

Yih shefto Habib shou le2a?

Click for large image